If you're here because a baby you know has died - IÂ am so sorry.
So very sorry. There are no words to ease the pain of losing a baby, a child. I'm not going to try. Your sadness is welcome here. My heart aches to know you are longing for that child right now. Maybe its your sister's baby or a friend's baby -- (see "Supporting someone who's lost it all" below). If you and your partner have lost a child I wish your story were different. I wish we connected in a thousand other ways, but you are not alone. I know it doesn't feel like you are going to survive this and that's okay. I thought that too, but I'm surviving. And I've met hundreds of other mamas who have similar stories. We are encircling you with all the love we can muster this very minute. You are not alone. You and your baby will not be forgotten.
Below, I've put together some of the resources that have been most helpful to us along the journey.
​
​
These are resources we have found most helpful. We hope they can help you, too.
Connect with Others
For our family, especially Kristin, perhaps the most significant thing I've done after our loss was connect with other 'loss families / loss moms'. While no one can understand every detail of your loss, there are others walking a similar road and for me it has been helpful.
Social Media Groups - I've met many special moms this way, search Facebook or instagram hashtags.
​
Hope Mommies - A Christian based support group for women of early losses through 2 years old. They have online studies, a blog and an amazing, fulfilling retreat I attended in Texas.
​
Check your local areas for groups like UNITE, The Compassionate Friends and Star Legacy Foundation.
Counseling
Early on was "if we don't properly process this grief it will destroy us" was my mantra. I knew that for sure. If you're trying to decide if counseling is the right path for you here are two helpful thoughts:
1, at any point you can say buh-bye
2, you'll never know if it will help if you don't try it.
When we were first looking for a grief counseling we took our long list of potentials, narrowed it down to three and did a consultation (30 minute getting to know you session) to see how we all felt.
​
We also attended a Griefshare group. Griefshare is a 13 week program for anyone who has experienced an intimate death/loss. There is a workbook, video and discussion portion, it is Christian based and meets in local churches, there is probably a group near you. At $20 (for the workbook) it is a inexpensive resource and if you try it and don't want to continue you haven't gone broke.
​
Read and Write
I had a pile of books on my coffee table for years. Often, in early grief, it may be hard for your mind to focus long enough to read even a few pages. That's ok. Take your time. Here are some of my favorite books.
It's Ok that You're Not Ok by Megan Devine
Through the Eyes of a Lion - Levi Lusko
I Will Carry You - Angie Smith
Choosing to See - MaryBeth Chapman
​
Meds
Somehow, in our culture, there still seems to be a lot of stigma surrounding the use of meds. The latest research is showing that using a combination of counseling with meds (in PTSD, postpartum depression, etc) oftentimes is most effective. Counseling targets top down emotional hurdles while meds can address the physical hurdles your body and mind have to address as a result of your trauma. Have a chat with someone well versed in this area to determine if this could be an effective solution for you.
Other Resources
There are a lot of resources out there for families like ours. These are some that have been most meaningful to useful to us.
​
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep - Offers parents experiencing the loss of a baby the complimentary gift of professional portraiture. Photographers gift families with delicately retouched black and white heirloom portraits. Otherwise, families may have photos professionally edited.
​
Molly Bears - Creates complimentary weighted teddy bears in memory of a baby that has died.
​
An Unexpected Family Outing - Rachel Whalen blogs about her experience of losing her Dorothy and life afterwards.
Supporting Someone Who's Lost A Baby
Deep breath. While you don't have the most difficult role in loss, you have a very very difficult role yourself. It is painful to walk alongside someone in one of the darkest chapters of their lives. I am so thankful you are willing to do it. Many are not. There will be time for cheering up and look on the bright side, but let your grieving friend lead the way. In the early days/months/years of loss, allow them space to be devastated, cry, mourn, grieve and feel the sadness. Our culture has a way of putting a timeline on grief and expecting the brokenhearted to one day get over it. Reject those ideas. Here are some resources for you:
​
A helpful article on things to say/not say
Supporting a griever: Refuge In Grief
​