I feel for you people. I've realized lately that part of what is hard for you is to watch someone like me in so much pain. As a culture, we want to fix it, make it go away, we want to say or do something that will help. There lies the complexity --- this kind of pain is not fixed by the right words, it is not healed by stuffing it in. We, as a society, suck at grief. We treat pain and grief like its something to get over and in doing so, we tell our hurts to be quiet. We deny their purpose, stuff them into tiny boxes and bury them deep. Megan Devine writes, "grief is not a problem to be solved; its an experience to be carried. The work here is to find - and receive - support and comfort that helps you live with your reality. Companionship, not correction, is the way forward."
Correction is platitudes that convey that my pain is too much for you. Stay strong. At least you have the boys. God needed her. Correction is telling me my grief is taking too long, is too weighty, too exhausting. True companionship comes from those who are willing to meet me in my grief. They often "don't know what to say" or don't say much at all. They accept my pain as their own and don't expect me to move on or move past, she is my child, after all. For those in grief there is a thick bold line between life before and life after, and we cannot go back. The only way is through it, to let this pain have me. To surrender. To grieve ALLllllllll the things I have to in losing my daughter. It is not swift or pretty or neat. But it is the only way through. My works is to find support and comfort that helps me live with this reality. It is not a journey to "all better" but to better. It will probably take longer than we both want it to. But if you're along for the ride, come mourn with me.
PS - Need a great book? "It's OK That You're Not OK" by Megan Devine. What a brilliant thing to say.
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