Four months. . I took two pregnancy tests one year ago on Thanksgiving Day. But, your Dad and I already knew about you, sweet girl, my symptoms were all too familiar. I usually love Thanksgiving but this year ---- I am drowning (swimming?) in grief. How can I be grateful when I'm in so much pain? We live in a world that tells us grief and gratitude cannot co-exist, but they can. My life is evidence of it, an awkward dance of gratefulness and pain. I have lots of things to be grateful for. Each day I am thankful for your Daddy, my children and our God who carries us. I am thankful we got to see your beautiful face, baby girl, and for all the days we had together. I am grateful for so much more. But, I can't pretend that my gratitude negates missing you. Gratefulness doesn't diminish the pain. . Still Standing Magazine writes... "Bring to the table a cornucopia filled with your blessings and I’ll bring you one filled with my infinite pain. Let’s put them both on the empty chair next to me where my seven year old should be sitting, joyously stuffing his face with pumpkin pie. Telling me to only focus on my blessings and not what’s missing this holiday season is like telling me to forget if I had lost all my limbs. Yes, I’d still be thankful for what I had left and yes I’d also be deeply sad for what is missing. Both are true. It’s not one or the other. Yes I’m still grieving because I love and miss my son with every molecule in my body, but that doesn’t mean I’m not also deeply thankful for my blessings." . If you have grief and pain in your life, acknowledging your pain does not mean you cannot be thankful. You can have your dang pumpkin pie and eat it too. The dance of gratitude and pain sure is an awkward, but some days gratefulness is a life preserver for a pain that feels consuming. For me, acknowledging that missing Abby hurts so much validates my deep love for her. . I miss you baby.
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