Three months feels like an eternity without you and a second since we left you. Sometimes I still forget you aren’t here. We should be putting away the newborn clothes and enjoying your smiles and coos. There are moment when the fog seems less thick, but mostly, I am still in the pangs of early grief.. A long hard road with deep deep valleys. I’ve met so many people walking a similar road as we are --- my heart aches for each of them. We’ve all been inducted into the bereaved parents club --- a club no one wants to join and no one ever leaves.
Some days I ask myself why I’ve chosen to grieve so publicly? Why post, why put my greatest pain out there? But I do it to honor her. She’s not here but she’s still my baby and I want to show her to the world like any other parent. I air my grief because the world has a way of asking “how are you?” while expecting me to say “fine!” And I’m not. I have a right to feel this pain and walk this road because she mattered that much. Deep grief is because of deep love, and the price is oh so worth it. I’ve been open about our pain because it has provided a way for those to enter our pain and comfort us. I’ve been open because there will be more mamas like me faced with an impossible task of living each day of life without their baby, their child, and sharing helps to break the stigma that we must suffer in silence and our pain is too much for others to bare.
So…. October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. If you’d like to share in the grief of our family and families like us (& honor PAIL awareness month) here are three ideas:
Say their name. Know a family who has lost a child? Make it a point to not forget them, say that child’s name, demonstrate that their child mattered to you. It is such a sweet gift to know you’ve thought of our daughter. A personal fave… a photo of my Abby’s name wherever and whenever you’re thinking of her 📷:)
Take pictures. Are you a photographer? I’ve learned of a few organizations in need of volunteer photographers to take pictures and/or edit pics for stillbirth families. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep connects photographers to stillbirth families. They provide training and add your name to a list of photographers/editors available to families like us in your area. What a difficult job but the gift is incredibly valuable to this family, the only photos this family will ever have. I will forever cherish the few photos we have of Abby. The need is great. (If you’re interested lmk)
Read up on grief. I was so ignorant about grief before. I think for most who suffer a pain like this it will always be part of them. Be ok with that. We will learn to live and have joy again, but life is never the same. Don’t expect us to be. Get to know this new person, we’re not the same as before and it helps if you can allow us to change. Avoid platitudes, short sentences that aim at making sense of the pain, but most of the time feel dismissive and hurtful. “I don’t know what to say” and “this sucks” are just fine. All this helps show your care for us. So many of you have loved us so well, I’m learning how to care for broken hearted people by your example.
I miss you sweet girl. I love you so so much.